Sabrina Jalees: Family-Making Butches

This week, comedian Sabrina Jalees joins us to talk synchronicity, queer baby-making and how pain can make you tougher. Then, Michelle's pregnancy doula and shaman shares a ritual to help connect with and rev up your fertility.

[Music]

Michelle Tea: Hello and welcome to Your Magic. I’m Michelle Tea, and today I am thrilled to be hanging out with Sabrina Jalees - actress, comedian, Old Navy model and creator of the forthcoming television show Landing, about a bunch of 20-something Brooklyn queers, which I am very excited about. We’re going to talk about synchronicity, queer babymaking and how pain can make you tougher. After that, we’re going to hear from someone very special - my pregnancy doula, Sandra Lloyd. Of course she is also a shaman, and she has a ritual to help connect with and rev up your fertility. Stay with us.

[Music]

Michelle Tea: So, you know, one of the guests today happens to be my pregnancy doula, Sandra Lloyd. And reconnecting with her, hearing her ritual, really brought me back to when I got to work with her, eight years ago, when I was pregnant with my son. I went to a doula meet-’n-greet at my local natural birth emporium - I feel like lots of cities have these spots now, places where you can get natural, organic, bamboo-fiber onesies and, you know, cookies that bring on your breast milk and whatnot. In a back room that doubled as a prenatal yoga studio, a line of women sat in a lineup while a bunch of nervous pregnant people sat on the floor, fidgeting. Why were we nervous? Oh my god, there is so much to be nervous about when you’re pregnant! That day I was besieged by the normal scarcity fears that overwhelm me when it’s time to spend some money, plus I was made nervous by the high-stakes -y-ness of the whole shopping for doulas thing. This person was going to be my right-hand-man, my wise woman, my pillar of strength and number one fan; would I know who was the right match for me? What if I made a mistake and wound up with someone I couldn’t connect with? You guys, what if my birth experience IS NOT PERFECT and it’s because I made a BAD DECISION? I know how dumb it all sounds, but nothing really prepares you for being pregnant, especially if you’re a queer 40-year-old who hadn’t ever thought they’d want to be a mom until a couple years ago. So that was my mental state at the doula meet-n-greet, and from the vibes in the room, I wasn’t the only one feeling the nerves.

I knew I had to have a doula - everyone said so. They coached you through what to me felt like a looming and unimaginable initiation. They had one foot in the old ways, like a midwife; and one foot in the hospital, where they knew how to talk to the doctors and advocate for you if your birth plan went against the western protocol. For a woo woman like myself, who wanted my childbirth experience to be as archetypal and human and direct as possible, you needed a doula. And that day, in the yoga studio, I saw her there. With her firecracker red curls and friendly face, she radiated witchy good cheer. There was something pleasantly Rocky Horror about her, I thought. My ex thought she resembled the enthusiastic P-Flag mom from Queer as Folk, and wouldn’t you know, she was an enthusiastic P-Flag mom, in that she adored her queer child. She was a Libra, as my son was bound to be. And so she became my doula.

In the end, due to my son being so cozy in his lotus position within my womb, refusing to dive down into a more birth-ready position, Sandra did not help me push my baby out. That would not be my birth story; I had to have a c-section. But her presence in my life during my pregnancy was a constant joy and reassurance. Because she also works as a Shaman, she was able to make contact with the baby within me, and reported back that he would love the water, and would always want to have one foot splashing in it. It is remarkably true. He took to swimming like he came to earth knowing how, and can spend hours bodysurfing at the beach, unafraid of waves. I always thought of him as a little mer-baby when he was inside of me; when I felt him move, so fluid, it was easy to imagine a little fish-boy swimming in my belly.

Even though I didn’t need a doula to coach me through labor, having a doula in the operating room as the medical team prepared to deliver my baby was so crucial. I had to fight, a little to get her in there - or, rather, she had to fight a little. It’s great to have a doula who is a bit of a fighter - not too much to make an enemy of a nurse, but strong enough to be able to get you what you want. As my baby was lifted from me out into the world, Sandra said that she was seeing a dragonfly. My mother believed my grandfather’s spirit presented as a dragonfly. I loved imagining he was there in the room, watching the birth of his great-grandson, who I’d given a middle name in his honor.

Childbirth is so common, so whatever, people get pregnant and give birth every minute of every day; animals too. It literally happens by accident constantly. Yet it is also the most magical, heightened experience I’ve ever had, absolutely sacred, an experience which connects you to an eternity of life on earth. You definitely want a doula by your side on this journey. And in my opinion, you really, really want her to be a witch.

Here’s Sabrina Jalees.

[Music]

Michelle Tea: Hey, Sabrina Jalees.

Sabrina Jalees: Hi Michelle Tea.

Michelle Tea: Hi. Thank you so much for being on Your Magic.

Sabrina Jalees: I'm so glad the magic came together to make this happen.

Michelle Tea: Yeah, it's very magical. You were supposed to be in our live show before and then COVID happened.

Sabrina Jalees: Did COVID happen because of that booking? The Universe was so jealous that we'd be together again.

Michelle Tea: And you were going to be talking all about because it was Aries season. You were going to be talking all about your life as an Aries or giving the Aries perspective.

Sabrina Jalees: Which I just like. I was back in college immediately, like googled. Like what are Aries traits? And then wrote, as if I was a expert. I was like, ‘Well, of course, this part of my personality is so Aries.’

Michelle Tea: I don't even care if people believe in astrology, but I'm always curious.

Sabrina Jalees: I do. I do. I have to say I do. I'm a convert. I come from a place, my that's what you just sensed in me. Yeah, you energetically sensed my aversion to falling for anything, right?

Michelle Tea: Which I respect.

Sabrina Jalees: Yeah, my dad's Muslim and my mom grew up, I guess, Christian. And when they came together and people were weird about it, I think the philosophy was born of like, everything's bullshit, right?

Which is totally a for any tricks, right? These are just like weird belief systems that have just like, been in place to keep people apart from each other and create havoc as so much religion. But crystals and astrology, that's for everyone.

Michelle Tea: I mean, I would like to so.

Sabrina Jalee: can I can come to it with trust.

Michelle Tea: Oh, so so you weren't raised with any sort of like religion or spirituality or were you?

Sabrina Jalees: Well, like the backdrop was a big old Bollywood movie set in Islam. It was like the backdrop was like Crazy Rich Asians, but crazy poor Pakistanis. So like, the weddings were very religious. The mosque was a fixture. I would be there. We would be there. My grandmother at some point was like, You know, if you read like the there was like this very like thin, like almost a pamphlet sized abridged version of the Koran in English. And my grandma was like, If you read that through your party, we got you lots of money. And I was like, Ooh, yes, I love money, honey. So I was like, planned the party girl. I'm going to read this in a night, and my mom sort of came to me and was like, You know, if you do that, you're basically being like, That's that's the big celebration that the expectation is that you are Muslim. And I was like, Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I simply I simply can't read it then.

Michelle Tea: Oh, wow, how old were you?

Sabrina Jalees: And that was sort of the vibe I was at that time, probably like 10, 11, 12.

Michelle Tea: So it's like that age where, like a lot of religions have like shit or get off the pot now 'cause it's like you have to like you get confirmed to Catholicism or you get your bar mitzvah or like,

Sabrina Jalees: Yeah, we were just a family that was shitting all around the pot the whole time. And kind of like in the face of of the culture being like, this is how you live. Just merely existing was an example of how not to live. I say, like my parents were the original lesbians like them holding hands in the 70s, a brown guy and a white girl. It was just like, Oh my God, she's been kidnaped. They were that first sort of societal relationship.

Michelle Tea: But it sounds like they still stayed. If you were going to the mosque and whatnot, like there it was there, like a still like a cultural attachment.

Sabrina Jalees: Yeah, like a respect, respect for the for the whole, you know what they're up to and taking part in family things. But also, you know, my mom was always very clear of like, I'm not a converted woman and my dad was always like, you know, I think the whole experience of my dad was always, I think and my grandfather was a philosopher. He was like, he would. He wrote books that sort of analyzed Pakistani poetry. No way. Yeah. My dad has these memories of my grandfather sitting around and sort of debating religion and debating talking about politics and religion as a thing to sort of draw from and not take literally. So I think that my dad was always sort of like a little bit against the grain, against the grain. Is that yeah, yeah, it is against the Muslim grain a little bit. And then in marrying a white woman, the reaction around that just sort of will push you further into like, OK, well, you have. And it's a done deal that like, I don't need to like kowtow. Kowtow went against the grain things that come out in a podcast and not conversation. Like, no way we were sitting on a park bench chatting when I have the audacity. It use against the grain and kowtow in the same 10 second chunk. Just kowtowing with the grains.

Michelle Tea: So in your comedy acts, you have totally talked about like coming out to your parents original lesbian. So how did the how did the original lesbians respond.

Sabrina Jalees: To your original lesbians were like, Oh shit, the reboot as tough to swallow.

Michelle Tea: Wow, wow.

Sabrina Jalees: They're like, Why can't we stick to the original, you know, marry a white guy? They my mom had a really hard time because she was, I think, like taking it all in and really well, actually, at first she was like, I don't believe you, which is, you know, like, obviously, we're not on Punked, honey. This is happening. Like, I met her. Her excuses were like, you know, when you played baseball, you were the pitcher. And you know, you do stand up and you do all these things to be at the center of attention. And this is just another one of those things. And I'm like, Girl, you're arguing the wrong argument right now with the softball and the stand-up. It's like, these are not like, those are all signs that you'd be dainty.

So my dad was actually I told my mom on like a Friday and was like, I don't want to tell everyone, I'm just giving you the sneak peek that I'm gay and I'm dating this girl. And she was like, by Sunday, she like, couldn't hold it in anymore. She was like, you know, crying over me, leaving the socks in the living room. And my dad was like, What is going on? And so then I, she was like, You have to tell him. And I went up the stairs and it was like the longest walk up the stairs, like every fucking step was 100 kowtowed grains. And I was like shaking. And I was like, Mom doesn't believe me, but I'm gay and.

Michelle Tea: Mom doesn't believe me.

Sabrina Jalees: Yeah, just framing it right right away of like, do you want to be a part of the team of that team? Doesn't believe me. My dad didn't believe me at the time, and my dad really, like, stood up and held me and said, like, it's going to be OK, this is OK. We're it's going to be OK. That's awesome. And then in the long run, my mom really actually took it in and had dealt with it. Whereas my dad, once that relationship was over and I was like trying to keep it the gay ball in the air, and that doesn't mean I'm not, you know, I'm going to a gay party, my dad and be like, Please don't tell me that when I go to a cape, you know, like it, it was. It was a slower sort of. He was I think, in that moment when I came out being this really great sort of like. The the dad, I needed him to be like the parent I needed for the ship to get sort of course corrected and us to like, continue sailing. Yeah, like and not be in this tailspin of like, are we going to accept this or not? But then in the long run, my mom was more sort of like, Yeah, she's gay. Deal with it. I did.

Michelle Tea: So obviously they're all on board now with the you and you. Oh my god.

Sabrina Jalees: Yeah, definitely.

Michelle Tea: And your beautiful wife and your gorgeous little offspring, Wolfie. What signs are your parents back to astrology?

Sabrina Jalees: Well, my oh my gosh, this is going to be embarrassing. My mom's birthday is August 13th, and my dad's birthday was written two different ways one on his passport and one actually how he was born. OK, I'm going to guess this is so fucking bad, truly, that I do not cannot tell you for sure what my dad's birthday is, but let's say, it's Feb one.

Michelle Tea: So it sounds like your mom's a Leo and your dad's an Aquarius, which is like their opposite on the on the astrological spectrum. But I think they're actually very as as an Aquarius. I love Leos. I think they are actually quite complementary because they're both, like, really fun, interesting signs. But I love thinking about your mother, like crying over you, leaving your socks around. That's like so dramatic. It's like very Leo. Like big, yes, big expressions of of emotion. Whereas and like your and your dad being like, I will do the right thing, which is like, very like detached. You know, the aquarium can be very they can be very detached from their feelings and just sort of live in ideas, which makes sense that it took your dad a minute to connect with his feelings because he could just like, see the like, well, obviously this is fine. And then but then he's like, Oh, but I'm conditioned to have these feelings about this. And that took a minute.

Sabrina Jalee: Yeah, yeah.

Michelle Tea: So like as a queer person, like, it's almost like, do you feel pressured to believe in astrology and and hold crystals as a as a queer and as the wife of an L.A. woman that is a frequent shopper of House of Intuition? I do feel, I mean, like, are you married to a witch?

Michelle Tea: Are you like,

Sabrina Jalees: Yeah, I'm from bewitched, basically. Yes, I don't know Darren from Bewitched, but I immediately relate to him. Yeah, I feel like also just in our life together, I've seen the payoff of noticing signs and being in tune and being connected to the Moon and all of these things that I say with that tone. But really, like, there's been huge payoffs in our life from observing those things.

Michelle Tea: And what kind of things? How have you seen it?

Sabrina Jalees: Well, like Wolfie, like the way Wolfie was born, Wolfie Shayna had dreams about wolves and woke up like a year into our relationship 11 years ago and was like our sons. Our baby's name is Wolfie. And I was like, Gosh, we're having babies. She wants to marry me. My mom is going to be pissed about the name, but I've got a new mom now, and it's Shayna, which is a sexy point of view. And and so every time we'd see little brown boys specifically, we'd be like, Well, if you ever there, look, we'll be over there, guys. Then incomes, you know, the waves that brought Ricky into our lives. And Ricky is our donor, and he was my surf instructor in Mexico. And the repetition to of Shayna. Shayna puked like violent puke and diarrhea.

But she had like a violent sort of like expulsion, like all of her body sort of rejecting the past the night before I proposed to her and also the night before or the day of me going into the water or taking a surf lesson with Ricky meeting him and being like, Wow, this is this is someone to me. And you know, her being sick gave me the thing of like, I'll go take the solo lesson. I'll have some drinks with him after and connect and I'll see on the back of his on his back is a tattoo of a wolf. Wow. Oh yes, that tattoo of the wolf was cropped and leg was the same style and crop of a wolf that one year before when we had started sort of thinking like, OK, now's the time that we should start opening doors. Seeing werewolf is. We got a plate from our friends. We were in Palm Springs and we got this plate literally almost a year to the day it. We did like joke. It was Christmas, but we happened to be in the same town, so we were like, We'll do like jokey present exchange. They went to goodwill and got a plate with a wolf on it and in the corner it said, Mom, oh wow. And that sort of symbol of the wolf was on Ricky's back. And it's like, you know, there's a way of, you know, taking signs too far of like, Oh my God, the day that I quit Instagram, I see a stop sign,

Michelle Tea: I do now, I do know.

Sabrina Jalees: And so like that sort of muddies the water of like the moments where it is actually, you know, this is like pretty, pretty huge. And and so that synchronicity and the continuation of the wolf and now manifesting as our gorgeous son Wolfie, which and it's like, you know, perfect for him and his personality, it's just like it. That's really cool.

Michelle Tea: Well, I just distracted myself with my own tarot cards. That's what you heard, and I'm wondering if I can pull cards for you.

Sabrina Jalees: I would love to get some cards pulled.

Michelle Tea: Awesome. Is there anything in particular you'd like to know about in your exciting life?

Sabrina Jalees: Gosh. There is a very exciting thing happening in our life that's also been a very heart challenging journey of we have been on this IVF track. IVF, as you know, stands for It’s Very Fucked. There's really, truly the only good thing that can come from this IVF journey is that maybe I'll write like a get out type horror film about IVF doctors.

Michelle Tea: Oh, please do.

Sabrina Jalees: A cast of Amelia Bedelia scrambling the eggs, putting the drapes in the oven. Just every email we get from these people in Puerto Vallarta, I'm like, Oh my God. Brace yourself. It's like, if it's a good news email, they're like, We have some news for you. Things have developed. There is an appointment set. Your body is sufficient. We will be moving forward.

Michelle Tea: Oh oh no. So are you doing it Puerto Vallarta because that's what your donor is.

Sabrina Jalees: Our donors in Puerto Vallarta, we had this. I mean, talk about omens. I had a gig right across the street from this fertility clinic, so that was actually not the best omen is that we did trap ourselves right before COVID, we trapped her three embryos made by my egg Ricky's sperm in this clinic in Vallarta we have put a couple in and there's not been a sweet and easy journey. It has been one miscarriage.

Michelle Tea: I’m so sorry.

Sabrina Jalees: Yeah, yeah. Thank you. So Batti Batti and also like so weird societally, where it's like, Do you talk about it? Do you not talk about it? You're not supposed to talk about it. If you talk about it, you know, like, I had a friend's mom say, like, don't you wish you hadn't said anything now? And I'm like, I'm going to push you down the stairs and then ask you if you wish that you hadn't said anything, ma'am.

Michelle Tea: Oh, it's so it's such a mind fuck it is all of those things and you're balancing it all the time, figuring out how do I feel, how do I want to feel? How do I want to present that? I'm feeling. But I really believe that this this cultural pressure to not talk about it makes it so much harder. And I just remember feeling almost embarrassed when I was telling people I had a miscarriage as if I had, like, committed some terrible faux pas.

Sabrina Jalees: Well, even the word miscarriage, it's like, no, actually. If you look at the the stats on these embryos, these embryos are have I froze my egg at 34 with Ricky's sperm, they have a 50 percent chance of producing a full term pregnancy. I think, OK, hopefully it's not just just a pregnancy, which the idea that the term miscarriage literally insinuates that you carried it wrong. You simply could not hold on to it. You simply let all the eggs out of the basket and they rolled all down your legs and onto the floor. You silly little goose and it's like, Fuck that like like that. And we know nothing about, you know, Wolfie was made in this beautiful way where actually I did your show once it was, it was a show that you had arranged. It was a mom's group, and I talked about how Wolfie was made, and I remember someone in the audience was like, Well, fuckin good for you. And about how Wolfie was made. I just tossed Ricky sperm inside Shauna. We had sex and Shawna and I had sex. I threw a sperm inside and in an Airbnb. Wham, bam, there's Wolfie on the way. Yeah, Wolfie rising and someone the way that I talked about it, I was kind of bragging about it was completely insensitive to the journey that most people go on. But I was excited and whatever whatever Ilove, I mean, yeah, I mean, like, look,

Sabrina Jalees: it is what it is, and I just understand that person's pain now in a way.

Michelle Tea: Yeah, and I also loved your joy and you're like very Aries sort of like, that's

Sabrina Jalees: about

Michelle Tea: It was very, but it was very joyful. And I remember that show very clearly. I remember all of it.

Sabrina Jalees: Yeah, and I remember talking to the person after and hearing about this path. And now we are living that path with the second child. It is it's it's harder and we are sort of constantly, you know, rallying and trying not to let this eclipse all of the joyful things that are happening just because we want more. It doesn't mean we have to stare down the barrel of what we are or like journeying for. And at the same time, when it comes to something that is really feels so high stakes, it's hard and it's mostly hard to for the person who's getting their body ready to be this home. Yeah, and and that's Shauna. And so we are on the verge tomorrow. We're flying to Baiada, and on Saturday we are implanting our third and last embryo.

Michelle Tea: Oh, wow, OK. This is

Sabrina Jalees: a really. And so that'll be sort of, yeah, the beginning of of a new journey, whether that is the embryo is real on the Amelia Bedelia, as did do one embryo good and it prepped us right. And it's all if it's not, it really is. After, like, you know, testing and everything, it really would be like flipping the coin three times and getting the exact same result. Mm hmm. Which happens? Yeah. Not all the time. And it might happen if the universe is like, Bitch, do your own work. You are a butch, but you've got a uterus. Go do your own work. Drag that pussy around. Drag it all over the town. Go fill it up. Go fill that up with. Just see how it goes. See how it goes, see how it goes way then.

Michelle Tea: So that was beautiful. And I think it's like very talented. So if this doesn't happen, the next move would be that you had carry. You would face the fear that all butches, all family-making butches. Here, which is like, oh, fuck, is it going to come down to me having to carry the baby and my butch bod?

Sabrina Jalees: Yes, which after seeing after stabbing my wife with progesterone and having this journey be like all on her shoulders and her body and her uterus, I'm very ready to do. And at the same time, like literally when I think of like role models like visible societal role models for that, I'm I'm it's giving the time Oprah was like a man with a baby coming to the circus this week, right? Yes. Giving like not a lot of. But, you know, Shauna will style me good. And Oh yeah, she will. I'm like, I'm a baby. And I do look for a little weaselly ways of getting out of these things. Oh, you'll love it.

Michelle Tea: You might actually love being pregnant like people are so fucking nice to you. And I mean, like, I'm like, I don't know. Like, I'm like skinny white girl and have a lot of privilege. But I also have, like, really tattooed and like, have a smile on my face a lot, and I'm used to just not being regarded by the public in a super pleasant way. But oh my God, everyone loved me when I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I got the

Sabrina Jalees: regular white treat.

Michelle Tea: I got like it was incredible. It was incredible and food. Food has never tasted so good is when I was pregnant and it never will again. And I am literally sad about that sometimes. And yeah, there's so many perks to being pregnant that I bet you would enjoy.

Sabrina Jalees: I bet I would. And at the same time, if we hope for this third and yeah, because you just want it to be a big time way. You know what desperation is. It's stinky. So guess what? We don't want anything.

Michelle Tea: I have a friend who's queer and had a but can't

Sabrina Jalees: show off me too.

Michelle Tea: I had a butch partner and they got pregnant in like the 80s and their Bertsch partner carried the baby. And that's like old school Italian butch with like a silver pompadour riding a motorcycle till next month, pregnant to the

Sabrina Jalees: hospital with

Michelle Tea: her motorcycle jacket and her giant belly until her wife was finally like, You know, something, I think six months like, maybe you can put the motorcycle away for the rest of the pregnancy. Like, it's no. This is just the problem with like queer history and how like, we don't have your

Sabrina Jalees: history and visibility.

Michelle Tea: Yeah, like there are other bitches who have carried babies out there from time immemorial, and we just need to find who they are so we can like love on them and give them the props, you know?

Sabrina Jalees: Yes. Yeah. I also should get a motorcycle.

Michelle Tea: That's the take away from that.

Sabrina Jalees: You take away. I need a motorcycle. But like, there is an aspect, it is very societal, like my impression of, you know, even just the first thought being that Shauna and Shauna is beautiful China. It it like flows from her. It is. It's not wrong for us to have thought that that's the way it would go. And to be honest, she wants to be pregnant again. And I don't, I haven't, you know, I haven't seen myself in that way because pregnancy seems like such a feminine thing. It's the same way I haven't thought to, like, put on hoop earrings and wear a dress lately, but like. But like the rebrand, right, and GM motorcycle, you know, it's like it's. Yeah. Yeah. And it's so funny because it's like also people are like, have you considered adoption? Like, it's like the very like like it's like, I've never thought of it. Right? We have we are fully open to that. And at the same time, there is a natural longing for me to see beyond this Amelia Bedelia clinic. Is this something that's in our destiny or not? And I can accept it and I can move on and I can pivot. But like, yeah, yeah,

Michelle Tea: it's interesting that there's like such a pressure, I think, on queer couples to adopt. Like, I really felt that when I was trying to get pregnant, I was like, This is fine. But like, do you also like, tell this to like all you're like straight friends who are knocking each other up? Like, do they also get this slightly scolding like, you know, the option, don't you? It's like, Yeah, and that's and

Sabrina Jalees: there's also like a whole journey and path with that. You know, you could very well be on that path and someone could be like, Have you tried IVF? And it's like, literally, we're just trying. That's it. Yeah, trying. We're swinging. We're opening doors. Yeah, it's locked.

Michelle Tea: God, well, what do you want to know about? I mean, honestly, I'm terrified to pull cards for really high stakes situations like this, like you don't have to know.

Sabrina Jalees: I mean, we don't have to pull cards direct like we are now. The good thing about pain is that you get a little bit tougher. Yeah, you know, and like, so we don't have to pull cards directly for if this one embryo, you know? Yeah, I guess I've put in a bit of a pickle. It's hard. You're going to draw like a Devil card and be like the angel of baby. Now it's a baby, for sure.

Michelle Tea: Oh my gosh. I mean, well, here's the thing it's like I just know from experience, from reading my own cards and all of it that when you pick cards for a path that you are doggedly on, there's no turning back from this path. And you get a suite of really hard cards. You're kind of fucked because you can't turn back, and those cards do create a sort of cloud cover over you as you move forward. you know, like I remember, I was like, hoping this TV thing would happen and like my my aunt was just like, Oh, that's not going on, you know, for you. Would you pick cards for me? And I was like, Cool because I have all these meetings like I can't. It would be insane. Like, you know, something I'm dropping out to. My aunt told me,

Sabrina Jalees: show up to all the meetings being like, Well, this is not fucking happening, so let's talk about why.

Michelle Tea: Right? But it did it, you know, and the whole time as I moved through it, I was haunted by this reading saying that it wouldn't. I have a special thing I want to do for you. Actually, hold on, hold on and let me grab a different deck that I love. I adore this deck. instead of a tarot deck, a proper tarot deck with the major arcana and the minor arcana and all that business, I have an oracle deck called vessel. It's so sweet. I really love it. It's by this artist, Mary Elizabeth Evans and an oracle deck. It's basically like anybody can make an oracle deck. You decide what the images are, you decide what they symbolize. You kind of create the symbolic system. And people can play with it just like you do with tarot. I like this deck when people are just stuck in a sort of tough situation and you guys are, I mean, there's like there's so much optimism and hope and reason for it and like no reason to believe that you won't end up with your like, perfect, beautiful baby at the end of it. But the process is rough. So this is a good deck to be like, what's on your side right now? Like as you guys move, it is, you know, like the pain making you tougher, like looking at different options, you know, the stress on the body like, I still feel for you guys. So I'm going to ask the tarot. Like, what are some energies that you guys should be aware of, either? Because maybe they're like hard energies that you need to like work through or their positive energies that are there for you to kind of grab onto and help you through it? All right.

Michelle Tea: Oh, this is so great. Well, I'm getting chills. I'm getting chills. I do want to tell you, even though this is a very sweet deck, there are definitely rough cards in this deck. It's not like angel cards where every single card says something sweet. And so you just get this like fake sugar coating

Sabrina Jalees: that Cosby has made

Michelle Tea: me. It's no no Trust your first card. You got his Trust. Oh my god,

Sabrina Jalees: I mean, oh my god, yes. We have to trust you.

Michelle Tea: Really? Do you have to trust your process, right? It's so hard to do that, especially. It's like, you know, it's like, Yeah, the journey, blah blah blah. But when you're trying to have a baby, you're like, Just give me the fucking baby. Like, because the process of getting there is literally painful. But trust, trust the process and then Movement there will be Movement. I like this a lot. I like this. You guys keep making your own moves, keep the movement going. And then Begin. Yes, this is really exciting. I mean, what I would say from this like, is that this looks really good. I mean, it looks like there's just like a lot. It's I love that you guys are both fire signs too, because the this oracle deck doesn't have the elemental associations that a normal tarot deck does. But I still think of the movement card and the Begin card as fire cards. And so it's like you guys have this beautiful energy separately and together that's like multiplied when you're together, and that energy is just propelling you guys forward with trust in the process and then like the bounty of the universe. And you guys are definitely going to get your baby. Yeah, this is really this is exciting. It's like you're doing all the right things. There's nothing. There's no cards here that are just like a watch out for this sort of, I don't know, habit or belief system or something. It's like now, just keep trusting and keep like, you know, just keep beginning, you know, it's like, it really is like that. When you're like going through the eggs, you're like, OK, here we go again. Like, you know, like, we're just beginning again. But this is really exciting. So. So when is it happening?

Sabrina Jalees: It's happening to this Saturday, the Saturday transfer, and we fly to Mexico tomorrow.

Michelle Tea: What's so exciting this Saturday? Yeah, this Saturday is the 27th. OK, cool. I'm going to light a candle for you guys. That's cool.

Sabrina Jalees: Yeah. And like I guess the word trust like this part of this journey that now like the third time around and really looking in the eyes of is that trust also means trust that if this is not the embryo, that truly is not. And there's all sorts of different painful ways for that to unfold and like trusting. You know, the answer of no is actually the answer of yes to another journey as well. Absolutely. So that's something that, like, you know, the first embryo we were like, rock em sock em, we got this the second one, we're like, Oh, here we go. And now the third one, it's sort of like, we hope, we hope and we do need. It's true, like literally everyone is telling us, like despite every, every altercation with this clinic, we the clinic holds the embryo and the embryo is a possibility and we have to trust that possibility to get ourselves there.

Michelle Tea: Yeah, you really do. You really do. My my kid was the third embryo. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, my kid was the first one, didn't take, the second one was a miscarriage and then I got the third one. So, you know, it's like. And then I was just like, you know, you do make those contingent plans, you're like, Well, what if you know, this one doesn't take? And I was just like going to Paris. I'm just like, Fuck this baby thing, just going to Paris. Buying clothes. But you know, you got it. You had a different plan and your plans are so great.

Sabrina Jalees: And I think we should just make the Paris plan that too.

Michelle Tea: Yeah, why not? Babies and Paris?

Sabrina Jalees: Know if pregnant we stay. We bathe, we acupuncture or we chill. If no pregnant with Paris, we get clothes. We say we love ourselves. We have fun. Yeah. We live another day.

[Music]

Sandra Lloyd: Hello, this is urban shaman Sandra Loyd. I'm a hypnotherapist, a shamanic healer, birth advocate and ceremonial list, and I have a ritual to share with you today to enhance fertility and invite conception. This ritual will assist you in releasing blocks or struck energy or negativity that may be standing in the way of you opening to the new life you're wanting to call in. This ritual isn't just for getting pregnant, it's also excellent for birthing your creativity into the world. What you'll need to gather for the ritual is an orange crystal or stone like calcite or citrine. The color orange is associated with that second chakra, the energy home and your body of creativity and fertility. You need a shell for our moon mother. Menstrual blood collected and added to a cup of water. A vessel to hold that moon water in a jar or container. A place in nature of your choosing, perhaps near a tree or your garden, or a body of water, and a pen and paper to record any insights that you gain from this experience. 

If you are wondering how to collect menstrual blood, it's really simple. You use a Moon Cup or a menstrual cup to collect your blood bleeding directly into the cup and dilute that blood in a cup of water. Or you can free bleed on a towel at night and soak the towel in water and use that water for the offering. For those of you who don't bleed or don't feel called to use their menstrual blood, you can use the moon water instead to make that moon water use, simply place a jar or a bowl of water outside under direct moonlight. A full moon is the best if you live in a city like I do, where there's less access to the bright, full moon, just place the water near a window or on a windowsill. And do not worry, the Moon will definitely find you when and how to do this ritual. As if you're making a blood offering. You would do this on your moon time. If you're using moon water, you can make the offering on the full moon. Remember, the full moon is about releasing, clearing and letting go, and the new moon is about planning seeds of intention. 

And now for the ritual. Bring the elements that you've gathered and find a place in nature that's comfortable for you and feel safe. Sit down on the Earth. Take your shell and your crystal and place it on the ground in front of you. And connect with your perineum, feeling it, touch the Earth, the soil beneath you. And begin some slow, deep breathing into your belly to come into the presence of the body of the Earth. This is a good time to call in spirit in whatever way feels best for you, God or goddess, the directions, the elements your spirit guides, the angels, the ancestors. And you can offer your gratitude now to the Earth and the Moon mothers for continuing to support and create thriving life for all. You can use words or song if you like. Now take the vessel of menstrual blood or the moon water and pour it slowly into the Earth. And just pause for a moment. Close your eyes, reconnect with your brow. Place one hand on your heart and one on your belly and just begin sending your breath down from your heart's face down through the center channel of your body, through your belly, into your perineum, down all the way into the core of the mother, and then pulling up your breath from the core up through the layers of the Earth, into your perineum, your belly and back into your heart and just feel this easy flow back and forth as the energy moves up and down. Now, give your attention to whatever is arising in you that you're wise herself wants you to see. Whatever needs releasing any interfering energy patterns of thought or action or emotion that no longer serve you and keep you out of balance, continue releasing down to the earth. Allow yourself to let her help you come into balance and write relationship with the great mother. She is the ultimate recycler and transmitter of energy into new forms, and just stay with this release till you feel complete. For now. And when you do feel complete, returning just to your breath, breathing gently and slowly to bring yourself fully back into the present. Into the place where you're sitting. Rubbing your hands together and opening your eyes when you're ready. And take the time now to write down any insights or experience that came from this ritual. Be sure to thank your Moon mother and Earth mother before you leave. And remember to let go of just how these changes will actually happen. Relax with this. So may it be. 

[Music]

Michelle Tea: Thank you Sandra, so much, for this amazing ritual. I love love love magic that uses body fluids - I just think there is real power in it, both because it comes from our bodies and because, let’s face it, a lot of people are freaked out by it. Emotion can really charge things and increase their power, and there is a lot of power in menstrual blood! I also love knowing that if your body doesn’t make that stuff, you have the power of the moon and the waters of the earth that it pulls upon, so many tools at our disposal for magic- making. Whether you’re setting out to make a person, or a picture, a family or a romance, whether you want to use this ritual to literally help you knock yourself up or as a metaphor to conjure Empress vibes, we hope you have a grounding and uplifting time of it. Thanks for listening.

[Music]

Michelle Tea: Thanks for tuning into Your Magic. You can support us — plus get access to a whole bunch of bonus content — at patreon.com/thisisyourmagic. Every dollar makes our work possible. Make sure you follow us on Twitter and Instagram @thisisyourmagic and subscribe to our newsletter at thisisyourmagic.com. You can rate us and subscribe right here on Spotify — do what you need to do to never miss an episode. You can email us at hello@thisisyourmagic.com, we would love to hear from you.

This episode was produced and edited by Molly Elizalde, Tony Gannon, and Vera Blossom. We got production support from Angelica Crisostomo. Our executive producers are Ben Cooley, myself, and Molly Elizalde. Our original theme music is by John Kimbrough. 

Thanks for listening!